stranger .

what's yours.

2012-02-07T10:28:00.002+08:00

That night I dreamt of you, one in a long while.
In that dream you weigh 52kg and you lay beside me.
somehow all along i knew it was a dream and surprisingly,
I forced myself up.

twins?!

2011-09-26T12:09:00.000+08:00

last night i dreamt of you, or rather, you(s) because in that dream you had a twin who looks exactly like you. totally ridiculous.

but maybe your psychology teacher taught you that deleting us from your lives is better, for you. hah.

and recently i am developing this phobia of strangers.
and if they touch me on the streets i run my skin till its red.

image from tumblr

small stomach, bigger boobs

2011-08-08T17:32:00.000+08:00

i've been exercising more. yeay! but eating... twice as much. boo!

but i've got food cravings all the time and my stomach is a bottomless pit.

my tummy and thighs feels tighter yeay! my weight still hasn't gone down one bit. boo!

i want to be skinny. i need to be skinny. i have to be skinny.

plus, my boobs might look bigger if my stomach is smaller! =D

too much, not enough.

2011-07-25T13:06:00.001+08:00

eating too much

not skinny enough

not pretty enough

eating too much

not skinny enough

not pretty enough

eating too much

not skinny enough

not pretty enough

2011-07-20T21:45:00.000+08:00

i want to be skinny. skinny like this.

skinnier than this.

and the motivation is all wrong. but i don't care cos its an addiction.

2011-06-20T09:30:00.000+08:00

But right now i am this. how? =(

fat unicorn by zillabean @ deviantart

2011-06-08T23:37:00.000+08:00

tonight I missed you and so I replaced you.

2011-06-05T12:53:00.013+08:00

people they come and go. some stands by and some just, circling. but some crawls in unknowingly, some barge in. they leave a void- narrow and deep..., wide and shallow.

then you try to fill it. either with time because nothing replaces them. by cramming up your schedule and working, craziness and drinking, baking and sleeping, pain and bleeding. then some has the advantage of just simply using others, giving love in disguise of anger.

sometimes you succeed, sometimes you just can't. leaving holes, some bigger than the others, some black and darkened, some just a forgotten emptiness.

Everyone can brighten up a room; some do it by walking in, others by walking out. -quoted

so do you know yours?

2011-06-03T17:51:00.005+08:00

all the love in the world's not enough for me cos all i need now is yours.

HAH HAH HAH. wtf.

2011-05-30T12:35:00.006+08:00

baby, wait for me.

images from tumblr

2011-05-29T16:01:00.002+08:00

hello Mr.A

you suck.

dirt. gunpowder. poison.

2011-05-23T12:23:00.004+08:00

i feel like dirt, like gun powder, like poison.

but sorry, because i'm selfish and cold like that.

strange this way.

2011-05-10T17:54:00.003+08:00

life's strange this way. well, probably every way.

but i love it like that.

cos, what if its good? =)

beautified again.

2011-03-11T23:36:00.001+08:00

my mind has it all beautified, again.

my bad habit, and i can't really say its bad.

love exams.

2011-02-18T13:53:00.005+08:00

stressed stressed stressed up. finally.
love exams. =)

home is shit. Lecturer's notes are bullshit. circle of friends refreshing itself.
and you are still inconsistent.

looking forward to exam week. to a new working environment. to my hk trip.
can't decide yet, but i think September/Jan too.

image by Nonnetta @ deviantart

transition.

2011-01-14T17:23:00.010+08:00

super long since i last blogged. been really busy with school, friends, and work.
this post gonna be quite typical i guess, since its the start of a new year, you know.

can't really remember what has happened the past year, as usual. i'd only remember things when something reminds me of it, with some exceptions of course. oh yes, i made awesome friends and school has never been better. and its really rare for me to like school you know? =)

with my love, sam and secret lover Nanuk. <3

met up with an super old, well... friend. 4 years i guess. can't figure if its good or bad, before, during, and immediately after. but now i guess it good. things does feel a little better and i am starting to get myself accept that everything's just a delusion on my part hah. either that, or he's just changed cos at some point, i was actually quite turned off. LOL. right. time to let go anyway.

home, still the same. i must be damn awesome to have not gone crazy yet. my dear hammies and squishies on the bed does make everything 1000 times better all the time. mummy and her feedings too. =)

and you, you're still here... all the time i wonder why.

empty hearts.

2010-12-11T13:22:00.001+08:00

we talk all day, about everything.
but we failed to communicate, that's our problem.

all of us.

a hug.

2010-12-07T12:40:00.004+08:00

i wished and wish everybody weren't that sad.

image from tumblr

a bubble's always pretty.

2010-12-05T21:26:00.004+08:00

when you need help, and no one comes to mind. cos you tried but no once seems to care.

when people don't give you a helping hand, either because they just can't be bothered, they can't, they don't know how, or felt like they were the last resort. no one tries.

and everytime i thought i'd move on, i feel myself going back.

but its ok cos we all know that even with this 3-steps-front-2-steps-back thing, we'd still reach the final point. that things would eventually blur out, where everything becomes just a tiny bubble at the back of your head, a bubble that would never pop.

and a bubble's always pretty.

school love.

2010-11-19T17:46:00.000+08:00

hates waiting. anyway, school's getting real pointless now except for the people there cos i love them to bits! =)

go to school. skip class. slack. all the super interesting conversations over breakfast/lunch. plain awesome. loves <3

e brown furry monster.

2010-11-17T14:04:00.011+08:00

today i finally walked away during breakfast.
can't stay here anymore.

stayed out for a few hours by myself. but even at times like these i've got no one in mind, though some flashed and go. because i know i won't say anything and they won't do anything. like you're drowning, struggling, but not stretching out your hands, while people just stand and watch.

i've had dreams like this since young; me being chased around by some weird looking creature and my mum and all just sat there, watching. i remember it was a brown monster, very stupid looking and furry. hah!

image by sugarock99 @ deviantart

propertyguru.

2010-11-15T20:26:00.000+08:00

i don't know why, but i'm actually looking at room for rents on property guru. HAH.

48s... what?!

2010-11-14T14:31:00.002+08:00

i am feeling very sad cause i've gained so much weight since my brother's back from taiwan. i swear he must be deprived of any food other than taiwanese food while on his business trip.

hah. but i guess it's all in the genes. mummy loves trying everything and would order more than what we can eat. she'll then have a bite or two from everything, before leaving all the rest for us. my brother loves ordering lots, afraid that we won't have enough. and me, i'd eat everything on the table because i dun like to see them go wasted and, I LOVE FOOD.

i'm like 48s again... i'm super sad i am officially suffering from a body dysmorphic disorder.

hates being second best. the back-up, for everything.

tatt.

2010-11-13T00:53:00.002+08:00

super tempted to get a tattoo.
to have something that feels permanent, or maybe its the pain.

but there must be something really wrong with me and i wished i didn't have to involve anyone.

walnut cake.

2010-11-07T16:32:00.001+08:00

gonna visit my aunt and baking my awesome walnut cake! <3

triple me.

2010-11-03T17:15:00.017+08:00

before i dye my hair again, and before i grow any fatter, i decided that i should post up some updated pictures of me. here sometime in August, can't remember why i took this though, cos i was too early for school? gah.

there in the current display when i just had my fringe trimmed in september. can't help but to feel like i've aged 10 years. eugene said its ever since i started all the random night jobs. could be all the weight i've lost too.

but sigh... =( no more kiddish, cute smiley eyes...
but why, chubby cheeks, why are you still with me.

thus, i have decided to make myself look even older by losing more weight. can't imagine i once weighed 5_kg, super fat ass, with double chin swinging,tummy wobbling and all. 5 more to go (hopefully). ok at least 3? but i've been eating too much my i've gained 1 recently hah.

time to exercise!
ending the post with my favorite halloween polaroid!

wish upon the moon.

2010-11-02T21:06:00.003+08:00

i hope the world's happy to see me turn crazy, so much more day by day.

no, no one's doing anything. and you, sometimes you just can't.

Zen.

2010-10-31T16:25:00.003+08:00

if this is what home is, i would just need a place to stay in.

if this is what you call family, then i don't need one, just a speechless pet.

ZEN. excuse me, but i need to practice some zen.

serenity.

2010-10-21T14:05:00.006+08:00

i'm feeling a little too calm about things recently. exams' 4 days away and i'm still watching tv, surfing the net and all. totally oblivious to all the insults cos people are just stupid. we are all flawed, so just shut up.

i'm so gonna indulge in yummy food and i think i deserve some self pampering end of next week. been working too much, studying uhm... harder, controlling my temper and all. i'm gonna save all my birthday ang baos cos i requested not to have presents nor any form of celebrations this year, except for a super sweet breakfast! though i'd really want a couple of things such as a standing mixer and a holiday by an awesome beach. but guess the best present i can receive this year would be good grades, since exams fall on that specific week hah.

i'm so gonna spend my pay though! =))
gonna do my hair; buy new clothes, bags, shoes! <3

vicious cycle

2010-10-18T01:09:00.004+08:00

getting super darn fat cos its exam period which means i'd be snacking the whole day nonstop and still falling asleep after every snack which is supposed to keep me awake from dozing off. gained 1kg in a week i'm seeing 48 again.

its a vicious cycle i tell you.

v-i-c-i-o-u-s.

100 awesomes.

2010-10-10T16:00:00.010+08:00

tell me i'm awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome cos i actually worked for 6 full days straight i can actually feel and see my feet, knees, and thighs swelling.

call me awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome because i'm finally allowed to find replacement for the last day, which makes my total working hours about 78 hours.

say i'm awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome for actually being able to study during work. Though not alot, only 1 chapter hah. but still...

please let me be awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome to start studying seriously hard from now on. get awesome marks cos i need an average of 75 per paper to get an A now.

awesome. there are like a total of 98 awesome(s) here, oh 99 now. so lets make it a 100. Go!

sequin is awesome-ness!

tired tired,

2010-10-06T00:01:00.002+08:00

i'm so tired. literally, physically. =(

2 full days at the golf event down; 5 more days of roadshow to go. and i'm starting to worry for my exams like seriously. how!

tired tired tired.

boulevard.

2010-09-25T11:14:00.004+08:00

thinking of whether to take up the long term stint at boulevard. 25/hour for drafting beer and making some stupid cocktails for all the the rich man, why not?

then again i'll have have to be full of damn attitude everyday from 6pm-11pm, maybe later. drink everyday, and hang out with people i have to fake a smile to, all over again. but then i can totally break off from people at home. i'd have to wear 3inch heels cos of my height, slap on thick make-up cos of my ugly face, sacrifice some sort of sleep and school work.

but i really hate being home and i think i'll give it a shot.

oreos.

2010-09-20T17:50:00.001+08:00

the secret to successful dieting is stress, which i am officially feeling full blown right now.

assignments, exams, school fees.

dun wanna be home.

when i deserve nothing less.

2010-09-12T21:45:00.004+08:00

i don't wanna see the number 49 on my weighing scale. EVER! =(

like how a baby tossed into the air is so sure, so certain that there would be a safe landing. sure that they deserved nothing less. - Jodie Picoult

i want to feel that way, but i know there's nothing i can fall back on; and that if i decide to fall, it'll be just that. so you know what? they should just go all in, push me to insanity, and maybe i'd be happier with my nerves and neurons all wrecked. hah.

ugly ugly.

2010-08-26T23:01:00.005+08:00

been having weird dreams of this unknown person for the past few nights. strange in a nice way though.

i feel so sorry for you sometimes, having to put up with me and all. hah. but for any day when even you have given up on me, i'll try not to hold back; because everybody has, and i'm used to everybody leaving. plus, i know i'm an ass. worse off. but still, dont?

then i thought, maybe i am really waiting for an explanation.

but what can it do?

the flower on my ear.

2010-08-23T16:58:00.007+08:00

photo taken on 08 July 2006

i miss the flower on my ear.

inside out

2010-08-23T14:21:00.013+08:00

every time i feel like i've got lots to blog about i open up a new post and just stare into blank. then i realize my mind's a mess i can't get anything down in order. i shall blog randomly.

got some nice colleagues and schoolmates.
got a new love nanuk, Samantha's polar bear, a new hobby of counting calories.

i feel so sick in here i wish somebody would just take me away. it's disgusting, almost repulsive.

i don't explain, i don't fight back. but that doesn't mean I'm wrong.

where are you.

i stare at pixie sushi every night wondering what's on their mind before saying goodnight.

sometimes i feel my heard beat so hard and randomly but i secretly wish it'll just race and stop.

i feel ugly inside out.

but they say a jewel's a rock put under extreme pressure and heat. so after this i'm gonna be back on my assignment and continue trying to work my way through everything.

sigh! i need to go for another brazilian wax soon.

i told you so.

2010-08-11T16:57:00.004+08:00

i could be everyone's bad karma.

and one day if i am gone cos of bad cause, they will say "i told you so".

image by kittynn @ deviantart

50.

2010-08-08T15:08:00.002+08:00

i'm going crazy about my own weight. i go hysterical when it starts hitting 50 and super sad when its over that. yet i'm still eating lots cos somehow, everybody just love feeding me.

sigh.

got to know a new friend, Lionel. so while talking to him i realize; i really dun give a damn to people-to-people relationships anymore.

you know what?

2010-07-30T15:02:00.004+08:00

why must i always be the one to sacrifice? and your stupid reason just made you sound more selfish than ever, stupid bitch.

whatever. lets continue eating loads but still weighing lesser and lesser!
this is weird, but going on anyhow.

maybe my body's eating itself.

hah! ok bye.

my naked eyes.

2010-07-30T14:29:00.004+08:00

People are just so naive. Enough to make them so selfish, enough to make them so annoying I can't even look them in the eye.

and recently I've been wondering, wondering what would be the last thing I'd feel on the brink of my last breathe. sometimes I think it'll be anger, most of the times relieve.

you know, I might have blogged about our trust towards everyone, unknowingly. (really can't be bothered to check) The constructors, the little girl sitting on the bench waiting for a train just like you, friends... the list goes on. but I think I’m really crazy because I sleep fearing that the constructors had been lazy and the ceiling would just collapse on me anytime. that the lightning would shoot right through the window at night. the little girl would run up to stab me with her new barbie toy. that everything I hear are just lies.

I'd actually find myself quite very annoying if I knew another me. this is crazy.

maybe I should stop checking the mailbox everyday now.

image by tyt2000 @ deviantart

messed up.

2010-07-14T13:08:00.003+08:00

i'm so messed up.

school's on, all over again. the 6am ringing alarm clocks, routine make up cos i'm too ugly naked, annoying public transport rides. taking meals because its needed, attending lectures because its needed. more annoying public transport rides, sleeping cos its natural. repeat this infinite times, and we'll end up only to find the same old thing, with occasional replacements, whether permanent or not.

i dun include people, cos they come and go. and fcuk those people who has ruined my social life. seriously what happiness do they find. i hope they're all happy now that i'm this wimp. oh wait, i dun even cross their minds anymore, so their happiness is not even me. how great is that.

1, 2, 3... i cant even bear to count 4, 5, 6... 7.
then through all these process you find that being vulnerable is the only way, and the only time your heart feel true; so real it scares you. so you close the doors, the windows. but a fire can't burn forever. unless you give it fuel, it will eventually consume itself.

image by suzi9mm @ deviantart

just like that.

2010-07-03T14:16:00.010+08:00

cos i am unfeeling just like that. and i'm not standby entertainment to fill your free time after your beloved people.

sometimes i wish i could ctrl+A, backspace my whole life.
cos thinking back, it makes no sense.
and i dun feel at all attached to it.

i want some home-cooked food by mummy, now.

breakfast.

2010-06-30T12:00:00.002+08:00

i make awesome breakfasts. =)

tattoo and piercings.

2010-06-28T17:12:00.008+08:00

i need to get back to 47. need to gain some muscles i feel soft and wobbly like a mass of jelly. need to maintain at that thereafter.

had a dream last night that she came talking to me and it was good.
one day when you had to leave, what will be your regrets? i know i once said regrets are stupid, but i realize no one can prevent that. then i know one of my biggest one would be to lose an awesome friend. seriously. trying on bikinis together, the sleepover, the bitching in the sauna, going crazy over food and all.

bah! i need to exercise i need to tone up. need to throw all this out of my broken window. i feel like getting a huge tattoo i feel like getting my belly and tongue pierced.

do you remember love?

image by silkspectre27 @ deviantart

signs.

2010-06-27T13:58:00.001+08:00

whats wrong whats wrong whats wrong.

hope it'll go away soon.

life's a hah.

2010-05-24T16:56:00.012+08:00

so before i have even posted any pictures of me after getting my hair dyed, i am actually going to dye it again because my hair is ridiculously black, and the roots are super obvious. my fringe is a chunk of mess and the list goes on. tsk!

right. holidays. been slacking around, doing events, hanging out, gaining a few pounds and all. most importantly, i realize dumb people are all around and i totally can't stand them. seriously, they should all go eat some worms. then at another point of time, i think we all are, entertainers and entertainment for each other in every way.

BMW bike launch event

at the end, life's a joke and we should all end laughing at it. and even when all hell breaks loose, we stand right in the middle, enjoy the mayhem, cos no matter how much we'd want to run, we know we can't. hah.

sushi pixie.

so, was talking about cooking and my nephew said he wants to cook but wasn't allowed to. decided to have a mini cookie making session and he suggested peanut butter cookies. yums. everything was funny from start to end like him blowing the flour and getting it all over his face; eating most of the ingredients even before it was on the cookie dough. hilarious.

fooling around eating my peanut butter.

End. abruptly, with a totally irrelevant photo. =)

the Roof.

2010-05-24T16:44:00.013+08:00

how long has it been since i last blogged?

anyway, had some really good times as well as bad ones during this long period of time. zooming past everything, preparatory course is finally over, at least in a way. 2 weeks of study break and its the exams. but i haven't got no mood to study at all, that is why i am here typing this. =P

had an awesome trip to eugene's friend's place in Malaysia some time this month, visiting his place, the somehow strange night market and all. my first time climbing onto the rooftop; the first time i see how 6 huge guys can squeeze into the back of a small, almost antique car (really hilarious); how people can literally eat the whole day without stopping, including me. =)

everything's great now, with amazing people around. events and school keeping me busy. hope everything's going to go on like this. loves.

stupid body.

2010-04-13T18:25:00.006+08:00

been real busy alternating between events and school. partly cos i was too lazy to blog. hah. everything's awesome till now, with exciting things happening right every now and then. like getting quite drunk on lesbian night while working and having a random bartender send me home. then stupid alfreda told the whole world what happened (which i won't disclose), and i was laughing stock the next day. tsk! walked into a lecture theatre thinking it was the stairs. carried a 4.5kg bag home and a 3.5kg one to school twice cos i collected notes for a friend and she idiotically missed school without telling me.

and somehow this schedule leaves me quite satisfied cause every day's different and i love it. random bumps into friends; secondary, primary, and even previous colleagues. i like!

did i mention i got new hamsters and i'm on a very healthy diet, at least for this week. =)

but my stupid body's giving me so many problems its getting me super frustrated. how!

haha, too bad.

2010-03-30T18:45:00.001+08:00

then that will be just too bad, isn't it?

laughs.

no love to give.

2010-03-30T18:07:00.004+08:00

i really don't know whats wrong. yy say everyone knows what they're thinking/feeling. but seriously, i have no idea. sometimes i get so afraid of myself cos i just can't figure me out. am i worried? angry? selfish reasons or just concerned.

been working the past week earning good money with awesome people hah. school's gonna start and i'll have lesser time to work. well at least i already paid for the prep course. 28k to go, and i can't/am not gonna get it from mummy or my brother. yeay.

then i wonder is this really what i'm feeling, or just a sense of familiarity.

image by zain7 @ deviantart

yawns.

2010-03-22T17:26:00.002+08:00

loves sleeping with a 'goodnight' and waking to a 'good morning'. =))

image from deviantart.

Bento Story II.

2010-03-16T22:55:00.007+08:00

Tada! my first attempt at making a bento like that and it looks amzingly good. =) ran out of crabmeat halfway, thus a mising mouth on my domokun. hah. theres also a mini container with chocolate dipped strawberries but i haven't got its photo before its eaten.

it doesn't taste as good as it looks though. next time then!

layer one:

layer two:

a close up cos i can't get enough of the super cute

bunny soya sauce container.

super fun so expect more from me! loves.

bento story I.

2010-03-14T00:52:00.007+08:00

i wanted to go so much but it hit me that maybe, just maybe, it doesn't matter anymore. cos what can apologies do? and you're right, i'm scared; so very traumatized.

then again, never belittle the power of words.

on a side note:
how awesome is this, i'm gonna make a bento! drew more pages but i'm lazy. =)

devils don't cry.

2010-03-12T22:58:00.005+08:00

cried myself silly seeing a shout out and the funny thing is that i dun even know the reason why. can you believe it? no, cos devils don't cry and i'm just typing out a planned script.

but i really dun explain, and i guess thats the reason why.

dreaming a marathon.

2010-03-10T23:58:00.004+08:00

finally went for a jog today and the weather was awesome. with sun, clouds and wind; perfect! been months since i last jogged and the distance covered today was awful. laughs. gonna need a few weeks to back to usual and hopefully able to finish the track soon. maybe one day i'll cover the track twice and i'll be fully qualified to join a half marathon? =/

told my mum and all about me being accepted into the school and they can't seem to be bothered much about it. sigh... then i wonder if anyone really feels happy for me, like, for me. gonna be a geek for 3 whole months i want a personal nutritionist. hah!

work work, more events please!

swing swing swinging.

2010-03-10T00:35:00.003+08:00

think i've mentioned this somewhere before. maybe its in my blog but i cant be bothered to check. hah. just had a random thought of it.

like two same poled magnets, they swing side by side.
so close, so longing, and never meant to be.

anyway, i'm feeling awesome cos i'm accepted into the University of Birmingham! bought a new pair of running shoes but it has been raining since then. tsk. went for a random check up recently and was a water barrel for a week cos i need 500ml of water just to swallow 3 pills. sigh. but i'm gonna be a healthy babe and i promise to take care of myself million times more. so, bug off! you diseases.

tatas. =))

snowman's pain.

2010-03-05T23:40:00.003+08:00

find myself asking me so many questions why. why.

why.

image by Anuk @ deviantart

alice in my wonderland.

2010-03-04T22:21:00.003+08:00

in need of a major brain revamp.

i am constantly overwhelmed by random memories that scares me so much i just stop whatever i am doing and stare into blank. and i thought people say time heals; its been like dino years!

good gosh i'm traumatized i shall go drink some milk.

photoshop.

2010-02-26T13:59:00.001+08:00

oh. my main picture is quite photoshopped. hah.

ctrl+A, backspace.

2010-02-25T14:36:00.008+08:00

"It's those that got left behind that suffers the brunt of it."
saw this on one of my friend's facebook status and i totally agree.

just typed out a real random post and ctrl+A, backspaced it. shows how bored i am.
some photos i took recently this year, including my blog's main picture.

with the two little brats.

my awesome attempt at fish & chips and french onion soup.
i swear i stood by the stove for one hour caramelizing all those onions!

i miss my black hair! and i'm still bored.

tatas all!

carrot carrot.

2010-02-09T13:10:00.011+08:00

its strange cos when i'm all busy and have got totally no time, i'll still squeeze 10mins of my day to blog. now that i have absolutely nothing to do and got all the time in the world, i refuse to. hah.

everyday i'm home trying to figure out what i can do for the rest of the day. so i pack, i clean, i bake. i do my hair, my nails. daydream, blank. watch tv, surf the net. eat and sleep. bummer. can't say i totally love it. its at the point where i have to talk to the wall to make sure i'm not crazy, which is pretty ironic cause it proves i am.

had my hair rebonded, gonna get it dyed this friday. i'm so gonna regret it, but... i spent a bomb so it'll be a pity not to go lol.

so, some of my random creations. lots more but kinda lazy.

this isn't baked by me but it looks exactly the same.
my candy carrots melted and slid off so i refuse to post its photo.

carrot cake credits to www.foodandcook.net

my attempt at making bread - cranberry walnut bread.
rising in process. =)

will post my ugly photos soon if i even dare to pick up the camera. bye all!

passing lolli.

2010-01-27T16:58:00.006+08:00

i'm so random even my brain does.

i think of people out of the sudden like how a bubble accidently escapes from the straw in your juice that you're drinking from. a mini shot of tinkling happiness, deep from your bones. before you continue drinking your juice again. i love it, this brief contemplation.

and i don't know if they still think of me. but its nice just to remember.

what about you? =)

image by thymian @ deviantart

bummer.

2010-01-26T15:41:00.003+08:00

day job's contract ending this friday. can't extend cos of school.

just quit my night job cos of my very queer character and stubbornness. points back to one of the random point in one of my random post. hah.

so right now i'm sulking cos i have absolutely nothing to do for the next 2 months, except for some random events now and then. how am i gonna save up for school! =( why why yc why. why at this time.

i officially need more events and more friends from events who would give me even more events. just so because they earn lots, fast. =))

why not someone just donate 30k to me then i won't have to slog so much.
tsk! bummer.

华语.

2010-01-21T10:21:00.008+08:00

whats with everybody blogging in chinese nowadays? its taking me 2, 3, 4 times slower than usual to finish reading a post. i'm not condemning the language itself, i mean; its not wrong... but why is it that they have to blog in this particularly irritating tone?! whats the word, 'teh-ish'? omg it gets on my nerves.

come on, its not romantic or even cute at all.

and anyone who knows me enough will know that i hate it so much i'll slap anyone who does it in front of me hah! (oh that was quite a long sentence.)

tsk!

herStory.

2010-01-15T11:03:00.012+08:00

oh! i just took up another job offer. hah! will talk about it when its confirmed. =))

awesome!

~*~

updated on Monday, Jan 18 2010.

so yeap. talking bout my new job; gonna be working for 'herStory'.
got to know this company when they first held a lesbian party at boulevard where i work. turned out lesbians love me. =)

so the organizer, a ~~straight guy~~ (turned out he was a she, OMG), liked me and took my number for further events. happened that charlotte won't be able to do events for them the next few months and thought i would take over, maybe for good? simple job, selling tickets.

in short, door bitch. hah!
so first one would be on the first day of chinese new year. hope all will be good.

bye little ones!

dreaming awesome-ness.

2010-01-12T15:52:00.013+08:00

suddenly my brain refuses to work. so here i am.

well. no updates cos everything's pretty much the same. revolving round work, worrying about school. dozing off throughout the day yet can't seem to get to sleep at night. waking up at weird timings in the middle of the night but unable to get my ass off the bed at 630 in the morning.

things seem pointless and almost nothing interests me. its bad because it'll also mean that i won't take anything seriously. work, people, things. just, whatever. like everything i'm doing now is just an unlikeable necessity.

baked and cooked quite an amount to fill up my time. photos some other time then. chocolate truffle cake this saturday! oh. i just got a sudden craving for tang yuans again now as i am blogging. =/ great.

mummy's so strange because she keeps asking me how i wanna celebrate my 21st. is it a big deal anyway? but just last night i randomly had the thought of going to bali on my own. it'll be awesome. right?

image by woofna19 @ deviantart

but i'll hang on cos i've got dreams.

though i don't know how, i will.

and even if i'm blind, i run.

cos i am young, i am reckless,

and i fly.

yeah?

2009-12-27T15:21:00.001+08:00

sometimes i think i'm such a bitter person.
bitter from deep within.

outta my - out of my head.

2009-12-25T17:12:00.003+08:00

random #1: working a little too much. gonna get used to my eye swelling from every alternate days. and i notice how i always make people mentally tired while i'm physically drained. hah!

random #2: got lotsa job offers while working at blvd again. took up 2. so now i'mma have one full time job, one part time job, and misc events from 2 other companies. yeay!

random #3: i think i attract lesbians cos during lesbian party last night, this group of girls barged into the bar, dragged me out to the dance floor and refuse to let me go. kind of scary in an awesome way.

random #4: i wanna delete all my msn contacts. ok not all, half of them at least. =)

random #5: i tend to dislike things when i feel i'm obliged to do it. like i would very much want to eat at placeA. but man1 says "lets go eat at placeA because woman1 wants to." then somehow i'd immediately, almost, hate it. such an idiosyncrasy i know.

random #6: i'm quite happy as i am now. but as humans we never get enough. but what is enough?

random #7: nothing. but i like 7 so it must end here. bye all!

quietly.

2009-12-08T15:22:00.008+08:00

i'm gonna officially hold two jobs wednesday onwards. and that excludes my random running around doing events. yeayness to yc!

everyday's a bore. and i'm starting to feel fear for my future working life. am i gonna be stuck in an office so dead, 8 hours a day. everyday's gonna be a routine where i can predict 100days in advance. i foresee myself smashing my head on the desk soon very soon. hah.

realise its quite easy to put a smile on my face. saw breakfast on the table this morning and my day was great! went home tired yesterday, saw this super fat bird trying to squeeze into a tiny hole because its friend went in. my day was great! laughs.

life's still great. and bit by bit i learn life's not a fuss. so many little things, in their own quiet moments. beautiful. when time comes that i have to walk away. i'll do it, quietly.

image by Malleni @ deviantart

may you fear you.

2009-11-26T09:11:00.009+08:00

killing killing killings. everywhere on the news. tsk. reminds me of this photo i saw long ago, picturing a badge bearing words that goes something like:

"why do people kill people to show people that killing people is wrong."

doesn't really apply to what is happening now, but you get the point. why kill? for what, not even for survival. then sometimes i wonder if humans were to give up one one of their senses, which would it be? sanity, is it included? would be fun huh. hah!

may you feel fear for yourself.
the mind... such a boundless space we'll never fully understand what it harbors.

image by OrgaNick @ deviantart

i see the sea.

2009-11-25T15:01:00.023+08:00

as i was saying, i've been on national geographic's website alot, and i'm really mesmerized by the sea creatures. i mean, its so fascinating! if i can ever have a super power, i would wanna be able to breathe in water. then i'll ride on one of the largest jellyfish going *blob blob*. =)

crystals, diamonds, glass, gemstones. things transparent are beauties ain't it?
then... living ones?

image from nationalgeographic.com

pretty!
from top: Cowfish, Comb Jelly, Barreleye.
the barreleye got its name from the shape of its eyes which are the two green lens inside its transparent dome head. so the two eye like things are actually, somewhat, nostrils. say ooo!

then i'm currently infatuated with huge sea creatures:
the great white shark and blue whale. giant giant beauties. =)

more more more!

papa Jawfish with many many babies, in the mouth!

image from nationalgreographic.com

i've got an urge to go for diving lessons. anyone on for it?

image from nationalgeographic.com

btw, watch this link and this! =))

pride and I.

2009-11-25T13:49:00.008+08:00

i should be a very knowledgeable person by end of this week. =) system in the company kind of had some problems so i haven't got no authorisations till now. every morning i come into the office, read news from around the world on channelnewsasia.com, articles on nationalgeographic.com, and playing facebook. its so strange! all my work opportunities consists of lots of time wasted on doing nothing. but oh well, guess its good in a way that i'm getting paid to do nothing, hah!

was on the bus to work today when an old man boarded. he was so jovial and all, shouting a big thank you when the bus uncle stopped and open the door for him while leaving. there he was, standing by a seat few rows in front of where i was sitting. so i kept looking at him and got into a super awkward position because i wanted to stand up to call out to him but he was kind of far and i didn't wanna make a mini commotion. so i did stood up and reached to tap his arm anyway. got him to sit and he gave me a great wide smile, with his white moustache moving above his lips. a point of time i think i giggled.

so main thing is, pride. why why why? but we are who we are, for various reasons. and as much as i hate it, pondering why; thats what i am.

oh did i mention i hate rainy days?

quick! try a little boney!

2009-11-18T14:44:00.010+08:00

started work at SAP. first day basically just rotting as the laptops weren't ready. person in charge suggests that me and the other guy could just slack away at the pantry instead, where there're magazines, drinks, fruits and snacks. HAH. oh well.

second day, still doing nothing till lunch time when i finally got to pick up my own laptop at LG just opposite! =)) bought magazines and straits times. then got my laptop but no authorization for SAP so, here i am.

i'm such a boring person i've got nothing to blog about. going on a very serious diet now. very serious indeed. and thats if i can hold for more than a few hours without munching on anything. gonna be a good 3months and yes! hear me right, i shall atrociously aim for a 47kg, for now. yeay!

btw, i'm recently totally addicted to the ~~HSBC~~ (just realised its standard chartered =/) credit card advertisement which goes, "quick! try a little boney! *hooooooof*, *sucks in.*" hahahahahahaha. super funny i swear!

i'm a genius!

2009-11-11T17:10:00.005+08:00

i'm darn stressed. super stressed. very stressed. freaking stressed!
my head's exploding. =(

anyway, just two days ago i was on a cab home.

"Uncle, yew tee mrt station? Thanks."

"oh, where is it? is it near the kranji industrial estate?"

"hmm... somewhere around there, at the end of choa chu kang. =)"

*checks street directory*
"oh! ok, i know."

so as usual i fell asleep on the journey.
and i wonder which part of a car's journey is always so hypnotizing.

"girl, is it here?"

*still groggy from sleep, squints around*
"uhm... i think so?"

"huh... think so? i drive you up front a little so you can see better huh"
*drives right to the middle of the station*

"oh yah yah! correct correct! thanks uncle."
*paid, gave an extra 12 bucks, uncle returned it giggling"
"bye!"

so as i walked into the train station i feel a strange unfamiliarity, but continued walking anyway. didn't notice that the usual atms weren't around, the printing shop beside 7-eleven wasn't around, the huge cafe lobby too. started slowing down. and only when i finally reached a dead end i knew, damn it! its the wrong station.

but omg omg am i at marsiling? yishun? where?!
so i walked real fast up the station, to the platform, looking for the label of location.
'Kranji'

GENIUS.

home and house.

2009-11-10T16:04:00.004+08:00

A military chaplain told the following story.

A soldier's little girl, whose father was being moved to a distant post, was sitting at the airport among her family's meager belongings.

The girl was sleepy. She leaned against the packs and duffel bags.

A lady came by, stopped and patted her on the head.
"Poor child", she said. "You haven't got a home."

The child looked up in surprise.
"But we do have a home", she said. "We just don't have a house to put it in."

passage adapted from Have a little Faith by Mitch Albom.

fist and the hand.

2009-11-10T15:31:00.005+08:00

i'm a huge ball of fats i revolt at the sight of myself.

havent been working. events i do doesn't even make me break a sweat. the amount of food i eat, its totally putting my 7km runs to a waste. maybe i should do a 10km instead then.

got a job at SAP and guess i'm gonna start work anytime soon, which means lesser exercise, more snacks, more balls of fats. hah!

so in the book by Mitch Albom, the reb Alberlt Lewis said. a baby comes into the world, always with their hands clenched into a fist. not knowing any better, they want to grab everything to say. but when an old person dies, how does he do so? with his hands open. why? because he has learned the lesson. we can take nothing with us.

image by MeisterDesZirkuss @ deviantart

oops.

2009-11-04T17:08:00.006+08:00

i'mma lazy bitch.

haven't been working for two weeks, with some lame excuse but not a lie. =/ went for yet a new round of job search and interviews. bought a new book and some facial masks plus cleansers on the way hah!

so while reading i got a phrase stuck in my head, and i thought i'd just blog about it.

sadness, it'll eventually turn into a familiar, comforting ache.
Adapted from book 'Ollie'.

and this ache i guess, is one that we'll just smile and go "oops." =)

two man.

2009-10-27T15:05:00.004+08:00

came across this short story while reading wynne's blog. found it kind of interesting.

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."

and its weird how things easily touches me now. hah!

my comfort.

2009-10-25T21:36:00.006+08:00

this year i told mummy that i don't need another eat-out on my birthday. requested for her to cook me my favorite tomato chicken. well, maybe she thought i wasn't serious or maybe she feels its nothing so she didn't do it in the end. asked me if i got any nice place in mind for dinner, but i said no. i just want something comforting now, but i guess she don't understand.

this year i'm sick of all the fancy cakes. decided i shall bake my own. and i dun need a birthday song, i dun need to make a wish. because all i want is something comforting.

then this year i decided not to have any celebrations, all the facades of love and concern. it disgusts me. and all i want is something comforting. and i fully appreciate the comfort i got, simple as it is.

as much as i'm saying all these, i feel a little wrench in my heart cos i guess i'm too used to the present-filled room of mine whenever this month of the year comes. from all the little handmade gifts of my primary school kiddy mates and their parents. then the flowers, anonymous gifts from secondary school. crazy parties with friends i hardly know during early poly days. and sweet surprises during my working days. but i guess there is only so much pleasure that we can take, and pain, its essential to keep us going.

oh well. pictures of my beloved creation, recipe adapted from smitten kitchen. =)
Sour Cream-Chocolate Cake with Peanut Butter Frosting and Chocolate-Peanut Butter Glaze. all from scratch alright!

mine: after assembling the cake

mine: after glazing.

a slice of my hard work, layers! =)

original image adapted from smitten kitchen's site

my cooks.

2009-10-25T18:44:00.007+08:00

i've noticed myself constantly thinking about lots of random people. people from school, from butter, from events, and random occasions. people whom don't give two fucks about me. and i wonder why. i find myself bringing their names up during numerous occasions. spotting a pair of shoes and saying hey! so and so has this too! then joanne would slap me left right center asking me to stop it because apparently, they don't care.

misses aside, i've actually got no wish of going back and its strange why so. its like you've jumped off a building, dead. then somehow life decides to give you another chance to start all over, from the point where you're at the top of the building, tipping off. would you?
partly, it just bores me.

whipped up a meal for people home when i've got extra time some time ago.
Japanese pork cutlet with curry for the adults and baked teriyaki salmon for the kids. sides were of course, rice, chawanmushi and miso soup. =)

looks yummy eh? but the chawanmushi sucks. HAH.

naked.

2009-10-18T10:58:00.010+08:00

i guess all these extremes are doing me no good.

have learnt to drink and appreciate coffee, maybe a little too much. been drinking nonsense at night, maybe a little too much. been deprived of sleep, a little too much. not eating well, lots of junk food, a little too much. these swollen eyes, headaches, sore feet, maybe a little too much.

working in the night life for too long its totally doing me no good too cos now i've got such a bad habit of showing a foul attitude to whoever irritates me. those who know me would know i can give a hell lot of it. well sometimes i think these bad temper, hidden violence, its just in the genes. right mummy?

but recently i'm so sick of it all and i notice myself secretly wishing every day, that the world would just, *poof*. i see so many ugly faces, ugly truths. then i stopped arguing. its like i'm almost bored, of everything. even these mind games are getting meaningless cos everyone's pretty much the same.

i remember myself being so frustrated by all the noise one day i decided to walk home in my killer heels, and my feet throbbing with pain. thinking back, i wasn't just irritated, its like i'm almost traumatized. and for a moment i thought i was mad because just about everything scares me. sound of the cars, footsteps, voices, trees rustling. stares of people, birds flying past. and i swear i took the longest road and time to reach home.

im seriously going crazy, whether consciously or unconsciously.
so if i asked, would you save me, tell me its ok and that i'm safe. try?

image by Gwarf @ deviantart

the ultimatum.

2009-10-12T11:15:00.004+08:00

its really dark and cloudy/windy outside now its making me feel so much worse. so well, as i'm blasting music in my ears and with totally nothing to do i shall just rant randomness here.

did i mention i actually goofily rejected my mom's offer to pay half of my school fees? now i feel so stupid and everybody's asking me why, and that i am totally doing this to torture myself. but i'm really not trying to prove any point. i just felt like i want to go through this myself, and if i can, well... pretty much nothing much happens.

great.

i feel that i want to do everything myself, and after my studies i would wanna move out almost immediately and be on my own. its almost a reverie and i'm in an worthless pursuit of something i can't even comprehend. thats really the ultimatum of being lost.

well i shall just go continue reading my book and munch on cookies. gotta go off for work, from work later on! ciaos.

image by Y n Y @ deviantart

i'm a living tap.

2009-10-10T13:09:00.003+08:00

i'm officially holding two jobs for the rest of this month! hah, no idea why i'm so proud of it cos i'm off for my second job after barely 4hours of sleep and skipping dinner last night as well as breakfast this morning.

well good thing is that i've got a free flow of expensive cookies/coffee here. not to mention hotdogs/muffins/eclairs during the weekends. and i'm paid quite well to do nothing but chat on msn, play sims and blog, like what i'm doing now. i see rich people everyday, buying cars after a mere 15min introduction.

but i'm really drained, and many times i ask myself why have i got to do so much, and sometimes i get a little too emotional. hah. i've got lots to blog about, and lots of time. so, be back!

where's my bunny!

2009-10-01T22:35:00.007+08:00

i'm getting fatter day by day. and its true cos the weighing scale tells me so. =( i guess the nightmare of me having a chin swinging from left to right and back is coming true soon. horrid!

milkshakes, fries and lots of mooncake. i swear it must be those mooncakes that i've been gorging on. but seriously you can't blame me cos i've been craving for it since... at least half a year ago?!

tell me who could resist them, seriously. i havent got my bunny mooncake though.
remember this? Aww...

two posts back.

2009-09-29T12:05:00.006+08:00

sometimes i just wish i didn't have to carry so much on my shoulders. because unlike many fortunate kids(not saying i'm unfortunate, still good in some ways :D), i do not have my parents to worry or plan things for me. they can even go "no sch today?", months after my graduation. i've got my own house keys at the age of 6, going to and from school by myself. i've never had a curfew in my life, and i never care about the restrictions they give. which they will soon forget anyway. hah.

so i'm not one who'd pour my feeling out to just anyone either, or rather, no one. lol.

right now i've got so much to think about. my university course, course fees, what to do till then cos i've already got myself near half a year to waste. me moving out soon, but where, how, when. and sometimes i feel myself so close to a tear outburst.

then people just don't understand and say ugly things when i'm really not, and i've just got no time to think about other things that i would call now, frivolous. so you wanna go? so be it. but please go back to two posts back.

karma and you.

2009-09-27T17:05:00.010+08:00

i've got so many drafts done but never posted. well, maybe one day when i feel like it.

so, apparently, i'm gonna get one darn year to waste. damn. i can't even explain the immense sadness i felt. and i wanted so badly to have someone just stab me in the throat. hah. and i'm totally feeling the stress right now. sigh.

then joanne, among the many other people asked me. why dont you get a rich boyfriend? LOL. and i remember this Caucasian by the bar, he told me. no, get ten! well i wished i could. but i haven't got the looks, the brain, the body, or the courage to. so, too bad. maybe i should start learning some tricks or two. geez.

image by BacklashCBD @ deviantart

do you believe in karma? cos i don't. =)

i don't care.

2009-09-27T17:04:00.007+08:00

i care i care i care.
but i'm just too lazy to explain why i am. i don't care, so that's what i'll say.

image by pinkparis1233 @ deviantart

sometimes i find myself sitting, just staring into the blank.
and i secretly wish things would be better on its own, while i breathe.

Fear. an amzing emotion.

2009-09-22T12:11:00.000+08:00

i tend to ignore things when in face with a situation i can't handle. and it sucks cos i know its the worst way of handling it. well, sometimes i just ignore cos i'm plain lazy and i think its just unimportant. sucks the same. =/

but its strange when we know we're gonna get hurt, we start acting like kids.
Fear, its an amazing emotion.

i wanna get married! HAH.

2009-09-22T10:57:00.013+08:00

everyone's telling me its near year end now, and they're thinking of what have they done. then i feel frustrated cos i've done nothing. absolutely nothing. i see and i realize i'm not even holding a proper job, which i had promised myself to.

so one day nicolette was rambling bout the same topic and she got so angry cos she couldn't understand why guys always got the easy way out. going to the army, two extra years to think, then a fully planned future for them if they signed on, brainless act totally. and she went "i should have signed on to the fucking navy" lol. ok i should stop pushing my own problems onto some possibly, innocent entity.

the past few days i had this very ridiculous and useless thought though. why not someone just marry me and i'll be a perfect housewife i swear. HAH. i'd hold a job i like, not worrying bout the pay. i'd make breakfast and dinner, i'd plan stuffs, cos i love them. to think that i've even posted a previous post saying i'd never get married! just how people change, it amuses me in a very tickling way.

image by devianrtart

you and I.

2009-08-31T03:02:00.003+08:00

its so strange i'm getting so uncomfortable whenever people use the word 'us' on me.

then i'll correct them saying, "you and i".

but i remember i used to love it.

to think about it,

2009-08-23T23:39:00.006+08:00

i can't make people stay. but why don't they just do? well i guess its such a redundant question.
i've never tried, isn't it.

but sometimes i admire myself lol, for how much i can keep to myself, seriously. and sometimes i think i'd love a trip to the shrink, making sure that poor thing don't go running to another.

'and maybe six feet aint so far down.'

image by KatjaFaith @ deviantart

boo.

2009-08-23T23:11:00.001+08:00

i'm scared i'm scared i'm scared i'm scared i'm scared. boo.

and i guess its just me, so unwilling its getting me nowhere. sigh...
big sigh..

even the birds are chained to the sky.

2009-08-17T23:20:00.002+08:00

"No one is truly free, as even the birds are chained to the sky."

i'm gonna laugh at that, cos its pathetically funny. hah! but the freedom to choose, i believe, is one of our true freedom...

hi kitty. bye.

2009-08-08T16:21:00.002+08:00

hi kitty, bye kitty.

hi kitty! bye kitty~

i say hi kitty! bye...

lol.

say you didnt mean it.

2009-08-08T15:39:00.007+08:00

cos i'm not a puppet where you can just pick up and discard anytime you want. and thats said not in an angry tone.

i don't know. maybe i'd been waiting for an explanation all along, or at least something, say you didnt mean it. because you know it was too much for me, even till now. thats why its so hard for me to accept all your kindness now.

but why me?

image by davenit @ deviantart

s-t-r-a-n-g-e. strange.

2009-08-07T23:59:00.003+08:00

if i were to note down the things that i've said, i'd better do it in pencil because, looking back at all my previous posts. its all full of contradictions, but still filled with truths. but isn't that life, isn't that just us.

papercuts paper cuts. i've talked about it so many times before i'm gonna just randomly mention it. one day i would put a curse on the world, that everyone would be speaking with no words. and i'm so tempted to go speech free for hmm... 3 days? i actually think i'd do it quite well cos i really cant be bothered to talk sometimes.

i feel like i'm yearning for something but i can't figure out what. =/ oh did i say that i find the word strange really strange? i couldn't figure out why but it just sounds, strange. and i feel funny whenever i say that word.

s-t-r-a-n-g-e. strange.

HAH. now its starting to even look strange to me. so cute!

swimming trunks and tree logs.

2009-08-07T23:15:00.004+08:00

i feel totally fat i've been eating too much i've got two swimming trunks readily around my waist i can jump into the pool anytime.

been wearing heels to work as required by daryl and seriously where can you find a bartender working in heels? totally hilarious. starting to feel attached to the people there too soon and i admit its one of my weakness because i know they totally won't give a damn. =(

people tend to always look back on the things they've done and regret, trying to find a second chance, or more. its not wrong cos i feel that way too. but what if there were already too many chances. and for me, i don't regret much and even if i do, i accept it because its all done and caused by myself. and usually, then, i won't look back.

but mr. snack box, you're great and i see how much you're trying, i feel it. and now all i wish is that we'd both understand that things are that the way it is now. your second suggestion i'd take, and i'll try. hah. i'm gonna lock that snack box cos its totally making my swimming trunks turn to tree logs.

control.

2009-08-03T14:52:00.006+08:00

i realise how easily people fall, like how easily you fall onto the pillow on bed every night before sleep.

anyway i had this post drafted some time ago and decided i shall post it now since i got nothing to blog about lol. i'm such a boring person.

i like to be in control of myself. things i do, things happening around me, people around me, minds, thoughts, people's thoughts. everything. and i'd crazily randomly grab my hamster out of sleep to put her into the food bowl just because i want to see her eat the apple i just sliced, which she always will and i'd laugh silly. hah! i like to know why and how things happen and not feeling lost at the end of the day.

i hate it when people say its fated and they just leave everything to it because i believe we all make our own choices. and i totally abhor people who blame things onto fate and crying asking why is everything out against them, heaven and all the shit. seriously i cant be bothered and i'll just get them to bug off. of course i'll try talking to them prior to that.

i want to know what to change when things go wrong. like noting down cake recipes in total detail so i know what is wrong when the cakes comes out weird. hah. talking bout that, its been ages since i baked and i wanna make raspberry meringues with whipped cream next. =)